25 Rules for being a Good Republican
1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are
millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an illness and
needs our prayers for your recovery.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success
all on their own.
3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our
highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives
but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the wrong
5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to
Allah or Buddha.
7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.
8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about
her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions
affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.
9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that
Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
10) You hate the ALCU for representing convicted felons, but they owed it
to the country to bail out Oliver North.
11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is
to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.
12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can
only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because
we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to
alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.
15) You have to believe that government medicine is wrong and that HMO's
and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.
16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism
17) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk
science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.
18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in
Vietnam but right in Iraq.
19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a
20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers
named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and
censoring the internet.
21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the
adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a private
22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about
Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages
from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.
23) You support state rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what
locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.
24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital
national interest but what Bush did decades later is stale news and
25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is
communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.